I totally feel you on feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the parenting of small children, and I only have one! I think a big part of why a lot of women feel guilt over it is because the work is so often minimized. It’s a job!! And even in the case where it’s a dream job, it’s still a job. One that not everyone is perfectly suited for, but one that a lot of people need to do anyway.
I work full time as an artist so i can speak to the “dream job” life — it can still have self-interested leadership that overworks you and takes advantage of your passion. I think there’s totally a parallel there.
I really liked your application of dopamine to not only phone time but also sweets — it really gives a lot to think about. Obviously phones are bad and we’re all addicted, but specifically the decrease in dopamine sensitivity dampening real life pleasures really hit home for me as well.
Thanks so much for sharing, it feels really good to feel connected to other parents and moms specifically that are going through it. It honestly feels like everyone is at best one logistical snafu away from total chaos haha.
This was so good. I felt so seen, and also gifted within a new lens on how I see the hard of motherhood. I’d love a list of the podcast episodes that informed your thinking on this topic!
This was great. I knew I'd be in for it when I read the beginning-- sorry mom's, it's your damn phone. I found myself nodding along the entire time.
Lately I've found myself noticing how negatively devices impact me. While a small notification on my watch might seem innocuous, it started to play on me without me realising it. Am I not healthy b/c I didn't stand up for 12 hours today? Didn't meet my move goal? I'm going to let my workout run a bit longer b/c a 28 minute workout isn't nearly enough. Now that I type these out, they seem absolutely nuts. Are these the messages I want running through my head?
Once I began noticing these thoughts, I couldn't stop. I found that even when I put my phone away, I was always distracted by notifications coming through my watch, so I made the decision a few weekends ago to get rid of my smart watch. I've been surprised by how much lighter I feel for it. When I shared this with a colleague, he immediately said "oh my gosh, me too!" He shared that in a recent meeting, the person he was talking with suddenly said "I'm so sorry, do you need to go?" At first, he was surprised by this-- no, he didn't need to go, why did they think that? After reflecting, he realised it was because he kept looking at his watch notifications. He said that interaction really impacted him, and he, too, decided to ditch the smart watch.
Optimization is optional, for sure. Knowing how many steps you take in a day, getting notified immediately when your library book becomes available, when you need to stand up (frustrating when you've been sitting working on a project you're really excited about), and when it's time to drink water are also optional. It's crazy that this has become the "norm" for so many of us (myself included). No wonder we're overstimulated and feel like we can't keep up.
Have you read The Anxious Generation? Lots of what you discussed reminded me of some of the content of this book; the focus of the book is more on devices, social media and the impact on mental health than optimization ,but in some ways they are quite similar. :) Emily Thomas writes about living out ideas from this book on The Connected Family substack as well, which I've found helpful.
I don’t have small children in my house but I am a teacher (of college students and adults), and I find myself absolutely flattened at the end of my teaching days because of the decision fatigue and near-constant over-stimulation and having to be “on” in a very real sense. I love teaching. I also find it very very interpersonally taxing, particularly as an introvert. Anyway. Sharing all this to say: much of what you said spoke to my experience, too.
I had a really similar epiphany after reading Burkeman's other book (Four Thousand Weeks).
I didn't restrict my phone usage much at all during my mat leave ... I think because it's so isolating being at home most of the day with a tiny baby. Now that I'm reentering the world, I have to rein it in. Part of that is just dealing with the boring tasks of childrearing!!
I totally feel you on feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the parenting of small children, and I only have one! I think a big part of why a lot of women feel guilt over it is because the work is so often minimized. It’s a job!! And even in the case where it’s a dream job, it’s still a job. One that not everyone is perfectly suited for, but one that a lot of people need to do anyway.
I work full time as an artist so i can speak to the “dream job” life — it can still have self-interested leadership that overworks you and takes advantage of your passion. I think there’s totally a parallel there.
I really liked your application of dopamine to not only phone time but also sweets — it really gives a lot to think about. Obviously phones are bad and we’re all addicted, but specifically the decrease in dopamine sensitivity dampening real life pleasures really hit home for me as well.
Thanks so much for sharing, it feels really good to feel connected to other parents and moms specifically that are going through it. It honestly feels like everyone is at best one logistical snafu away from total chaos haha.
This was so good. I felt so seen, and also gifted within a new lens on how I see the hard of motherhood. I’d love a list of the podcast episodes that informed your thinking on this topic!
This was great. I knew I'd be in for it when I read the beginning-- sorry mom's, it's your damn phone. I found myself nodding along the entire time.
Lately I've found myself noticing how negatively devices impact me. While a small notification on my watch might seem innocuous, it started to play on me without me realising it. Am I not healthy b/c I didn't stand up for 12 hours today? Didn't meet my move goal? I'm going to let my workout run a bit longer b/c a 28 minute workout isn't nearly enough. Now that I type these out, they seem absolutely nuts. Are these the messages I want running through my head?
Once I began noticing these thoughts, I couldn't stop. I found that even when I put my phone away, I was always distracted by notifications coming through my watch, so I made the decision a few weekends ago to get rid of my smart watch. I've been surprised by how much lighter I feel for it. When I shared this with a colleague, he immediately said "oh my gosh, me too!" He shared that in a recent meeting, the person he was talking with suddenly said "I'm so sorry, do you need to go?" At first, he was surprised by this-- no, he didn't need to go, why did they think that? After reflecting, he realised it was because he kept looking at his watch notifications. He said that interaction really impacted him, and he, too, decided to ditch the smart watch.
Optimization is optional, for sure. Knowing how many steps you take in a day, getting notified immediately when your library book becomes available, when you need to stand up (frustrating when you've been sitting working on a project you're really excited about), and when it's time to drink water are also optional. It's crazy that this has become the "norm" for so many of us (myself included). No wonder we're overstimulated and feel like we can't keep up.
Have you read The Anxious Generation? Lots of what you discussed reminded me of some of the content of this book; the focus of the book is more on devices, social media and the impact on mental health than optimization ,but in some ways they are quite similar. :) Emily Thomas writes about living out ideas from this book on The Connected Family substack as well, which I've found helpful.
I don’t have small children in my house but I am a teacher (of college students and adults), and I find myself absolutely flattened at the end of my teaching days because of the decision fatigue and near-constant over-stimulation and having to be “on” in a very real sense. I love teaching. I also find it very very interpersonally taxing, particularly as an introvert. Anyway. Sharing all this to say: much of what you said spoke to my experience, too.
I had a really similar epiphany after reading Burkeman's other book (Four Thousand Weeks).
I didn't restrict my phone usage much at all during my mat leave ... I think because it's so isolating being at home most of the day with a tiny baby. Now that I'm reentering the world, I have to rein it in. Part of that is just dealing with the boring tasks of childrearing!!